What if my baby doesn't know I'm their mother?
It's a fear some intended parents carry long before bringing their baby home.
When someone else is carrying your child, you may wonder whether you're already missing something important. Your gestational carrier feels the kicks. Her body responds to your baby's movements. Your baby hears the rhythms of her everyday life.
You may be watching from the outside and quietly wondering:
Where does that leave me?
What If I Don't Feel an Immediate Bond?
There can be enormous pressure around bonding after surrogacy.
You waited for this baby. Maybe you endured infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss, failed transfers, or years of uncertainty to finally meet them.
So the moment your baby is placed in your arms is supposed to feel extraordinary.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it doesn't.
Bonding isn't always one overwhelming moment. The relationship between parent and baby develops through repeated experiences of holding, feeding, comforting, responding, and learning one another.
Not experiencing an immediate rush of connection doesn't mean you've failed at bonding.
When It's Hard to Trust That the Baby Is Finally Here
After infertility, there can be another layer.
You may have spent years protecting yourself from disappointment. Every milestone led to another milestone: the retrieval, transfer, pregnancy test, ultrasound, heartbeat.
You became accustomed to waiting for the next piece of information before allowing yourself to feel safe.
Then suddenly, there's no next fertility milestone.
There's a baby.
Therapy can help intended parents explore fears about bonding, identity, parenthood, and the emotional transition from infertility and surrogacy into becoming a parent.
You don't need to manufacture the “right” feelings.
You can love your baby and still need time to feel like yourself as a parent.
You and your baby have time to get to know each other.
Looking for Support Before, During and After Surrogacy?
Joanna Haydon, JD, LCSW, is a psychotherapist who works with intended parents navigating the emotional complexities of infertility, surrogacy, pregnancy loss, and third-party reproduction. She supports clients experiencing anxiety, depression, grief, uncertainty, and the complicated emotions that can arise while building a family through a gestational carrier.
Joanna provides telehealth therapy throughout Missouri and Illinois. Joanna provides telehealth therapy throughout Missouri and Illinois. Learn more about Surrogacy and Third-Party Reproduction Therapy, explore Infertility & Pregnancy Loss Therapy, or contact Joanna to learn more about working together.